Depression hurts. You might have seen this as an ad on TV, heard on the radio or read it in an article or a magazine. The past 10 years I saw it crippled a loved one then transference took hold of me. Like a shadow it followed me. The things that I used to enjoy no longer interests me. I can no longer recognize myself on the mirror. I have this unending feeling being in a black hole. I have no more tears to shed, they were dried up. I feel this pressure on my chest that’s about to explode. There is always this elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about.
I felt that I am fading away. Lifeless. Hopeless. Barely Breathing. I was worst than the comatose patients that I am taking care at work. Withdrawn from the world…shame…fear…anxiety became verbs in my life. And one day, I realized this has to stop, I don’t want this kind of life. This is not me anymore, I am turning into a monster. I sought professional help, I reached out to mentors and spiritual elders for counsel and prayers and started to talk about it with my friends.This happened five years ago. I am forever grateful to everyone who journeyed with me these past years. Due to the side effect of my surgeries, I am battling with an early menopause. I see it happening again.
I remember a very close friend called me the job in real life. I am not ashamed of it. It is true. My life is a roller coaster ride. But what I am thankful the most is the legacy of faith that was passed on to me by my parents. The God who brought me this far is still the same God I served and believed. My quiet time with The Lord is more meaningful everyday. Every battle I face, increases my faith. And more so another opportunity to enjoy God’s faithfulness and grace.
I am still me. Wounded. Scarred. But it doesn’t define me. In my Heavenly Father’s eyes, I am His child. His beloved. Today as I look at myself on the mirror, I have to make a mental note of this truth.
God isn’t finished with me yet.
“First of all, you have to keep unmasking the world about you for what it is: manipulative, controlling, power-hungry, and, in the long run, destructive. The world tells you many lies about who you are, and you simply have to be realistic enough to remind yourself of this. Every time you feel hurt, offended, or rejected, you have to dare to say to yourself: ‘These feelings, strong as they may be, are not telling me the truth about myself. The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God’s eyes, called the Beloved from all eternity, and held safe in an everlasting belief.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Life of the Beloved: Spiritual Living in a Secular World
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”